Off & Running
a Blog of Life on the Run

December
24,
2012

I have writer's block.

It's the eve before Christmas and I sat in a comfy chair by a fireplace surrounded by puppies to work on the stories from the Live Your Brand Tour. It's not your typical writer's block - it's the kind where you have too many things to write about and have no idea where to start.

I am grateful.          I am sad.
I am energetic.        I am exhausted.
I am ready.              I am unfocused.
I am full of love.     I am empty.
I crave silence.        I crave companionship.
I am missing something.

My mind is racing yet I want to nap. I want to pour myself a drink and relax in blissful unawares but I feel like I need to listen intently to what is going on in my head. My internal dialogue is whacked out.

Since I got home from the Brand Tour, I've been trying to catch up on the sleep I lost. I've had migraines, taken naps, stayed in on Friday nights, and slept late on the weekends. I've given myself down time, made sure to exercise, kept myself busy, sat in hot tubs, drank tea, drank vodka, gone out with friends, and yet I am not content. Something is missing.

As I write this, I wait for the answer to come to me… and although it comes, I'm not sure it's the answer I want.

Prayer.

Every year I say I'll run more, I'll be healthier, I'll stop drinking, I'll travel more, I'll love myself better. I fail at most of these things every year because, in reality, I only need to find ways to be closer to Him. If I listen to God, I'll be healthier. I can't hear God when I'm drinking. I'll run so I can spend time listening to Him. I'll start focusing more on what He wants for me instead of what I want for myself. I'll go further, do more, be at my best, stay focused. At 32, I am grateful with where my life is. I have learned how little a person needs to survive. I am blessed. I am loved. But I lack something bigger.

Most who know me also know my faith is important to me. I'm really involved in church and my church family is really involved in my work and life. But God is what has been lacking - prayer, devotions, quiet time to listen. When I woke up in Denver a few weeks ago worried about driving to Portland, I heard "don't let the demons fill you with fear." If I spend more time listening for God's direction, the fear won't fill me anymore.

While interviewing friends, one thing I wanted to learn better was how to pray. My friend, Tim, says he reminds himself to pray by drawing a P on his hand. Every time he sees it, he sends up a prayer. It keeps his need for prayer top-of-mind. This gave me an idea of how to keep His presence in mind all the time. More on that soon.

After writing this out, I knew what I was missing the whole time. Now I know what to focus on in order to be of one mind. No more worrying, exhaustion, or sadness. I pray for His love to spread through me.

Onward to a Merry Christmas. <3

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