Off & Running
a Blog of Life on the Run

“If God gives such attention to the wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your every day human concerns will be met.” - Matthew 6:30-33 (MSG)
For the last year, every time I check my work email I have felt this tightness in my heart - it prepares me for an angry email. There have been a loud few I couldn't seem to make happy, those are the ones who yank my heart into the depths of despair. As many wonderful, happy, and uplifting emails I get singing the praises of the work I do, I end up beating myself up over those squeaky wheels.
My scarcity mentality over the last few years has made me say YES to clients and employees who were not the right fit. My fear for not knowing what's going to happen next has kept me from pursuing my calling. My worry over not having enough of the right "whatever" has plagued me constantly.  
I "should" on myself.
"I should take on this client because we need the money."
"I should do this project because they need us."
"I should do this because we're good at it." 
But that's changing. And so is my outlook on life and work - and the delicate balance (whatever that is) between the two. 
My mantra: "I am light." To stay positive, take lessons from the negative, and be a living light because I can’t please everyone - despite how hard I try. 
Yesterday morning I prayed for an overflowing cup of joy so I could pour it over on other people. Although I tend to have be a very positive human, with all the transition in my life the last 18 months I’ve been more worried than joyful. 
Yeah, I’ve been shoulding on myself. It’s an awful thing to do.
Over the last few weeks, I've made a habit of reading the YouVersion app’s verse of the day (The Message version). Sometimes it’s a verse with a good reminder, other times it’s not very meaningful to me. During a quiet solo lunch in Austin yesterday, I read it and… yeah. You saw it up there. After my prayer that morning and all the worry that’s been mounting in my chest, I got the message. What a reminder.  “Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your every day human concerns will be met.” Right there in black and white. From a few thousand years ago in wording I could understand today.
“What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax.” YES! Thank you. It’s not about my getting but about His giving. He wants to GIVE me everything but I keep wanting to GET something else. Maybe if I stop worrying so darn much and stop shoulding on myself, I could just live in the present and see what happens next organically. It could unfold the way it was planned. I can work really hard with my purpose in mind, but stop focusing so hard on the future. Just on the right now.
So, guess what I’m going to do?
1. Keep being human
2. Keep learning
3. Keep listening
4. Stop shoulding
Being a human is hard. 
Being a human living on purpose - even harder.
But I’m done should-ing on myself. 
He’s got it. All of it. 
Are you done should-ing?
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