Off & Running
a Blog of Life on the Run

October
21,
2012

Ever feel completely alone? You have friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, people who love you… yet you feel alone?

My life is full. Full to the brim. If I try to start one more book, I may explode with information, yet I have 3 on my bedside table and 2 on my desk at work. My mind is always on overdrive coming up with the next big thing. My business has a big huge goal for growth and a strategy to make the vision a reality. My friends invite me to dinners and happy hours and get-togethers. My church family is loving, supportive and hugs me every week. My coworkers are some of the best people I've ever met. My best friend is also my right-hand woman and my pastor's wife. My dogs adore me. Life = full.

And then I go home and feel lost and alone.

When I get home after a full day or week, I start thinking about the quilt I need to finish, work I have to do, writing or reading I should finish, the porch I can enjoy, the neighborhood I can walk around, the park I can take the dogs, all the things I can clean, the piano I can play… but I don't. If I decide not to work, I put on a movie to drown out the noise in my head, turn on the TV for the dogs to watch and get sucked in, or flip through my phone finding someone to entertain me. Then I pour myself a drink and realize just how alone I am. After a little while, I try to find a way not to be alone anymore.

Yes, I know it's the desire we all have as humans to share life with someone else. Every person I know tells me how normal it is not to want to be alone. They say humans are made to be with others. But then they exclaim about the full life I have and how I should just be happy with all the great things I get to do. If they know me at all, they know I'm not the personality type to be happy alone. But I'm still alone and the temptation slips in. The desire for a warm body to snuggle with, laugh with, sleep next to, share dreams with is alive in me. That's where loneliness meets heartache and bad decision-making.

Over 10 years ago, I was talking to my mom about my struggle with loneliness. My mom told me how after 20 loving years of marriage and 4 kids she had no idea what her favorite ice cream was because she just got what everyone else wanted. She got lonely even with a full family. A husband and children didn't make her any less lonely, it almost made her more lonely. People don't make us any less lonely. We have to know ourselves well enough to be happy alone or with others.

They say you can only be a great partner when you know and love yourself first. Sure, I'd love to meet "the one" and live happily ever after… but what I really want to do is live happily ever after with myself. I'll always be there, I can't leave. Every time I try to leave, I'm still there. I may as well make myself a great companion since it's always going to be at least me, myself and I.

Here's to the beginning of Melanie on the Run. The time I focus on me. No more drowning my thoughts with the boobtube, boys, or digital socializing. This journey of self-reflection, personal growth, and self-love is the time to be selfish and learn what happiness really means to me.

1-800-PACK-RAT Storage shows up: October 30, 2012
Melanie on the Run begins: November 1, 2012
Live Your Brand Tour begins: November 16, 2012

(Self, can I take a nap now? No, Melanie, go read a book.)
 

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