Off & Running
a Blog of Life on the Run


When was the last time you forgave yourself? 

As children, we're taught we have to forgive others for what they do to us. We're told to forgive and forget. But if they don't say they're sorry, do we really forgive them? How do we apologize to ourselves?
Todd continued his sermon series with a third bead that has been sitting in my mind for weeks. It's a clear bead and it comes after the green & red ones focusing on seeking God and seeking love. 
The clear bead represents forgiveness - being washed clean of our sins and white as snow. Todd reminded us the color of love isn't really red, it's white. It's pure. Love is a pure emotion. If we love something or someone, we just love them clearly. Without forgiveness, we can't truly love others but we also can't love ourselves. 
Forgiveness. What a heavy word. 
At the end of his sermon, Todd asked us to finally forgive ourselves for things we're still holding on to. Either things others haven't forgiven us for or things we need to stop letting eat us inside. He asked us to hold out our hands, put all of the things we need to let go of into our hands, then told us to throw up our hands and let them go. I had tears in my eyes while doing this. I hadn't realized I had been holding on to so much.
I've been staring at this clear bead on my wrist since I put it there. I'm not one to hold on to symbols or to tie things onto myself to remind me of things. This clear bead is reminding me to stop holding on to so much. I can't seem to take it off. 
Over the last few weeks I've been going through some really heavy remembering. With family drama bringing out things I haven't thought about in almost 20 years, I've been finding there's a lot in my soul I've never let go of. Events in which I've never received forgiveness nor apologies. Things I've just held onto. I never realized I could forgive them for and finally forgive myself. I could put them in my hands and throw them into the air. 
We've all had crappy things happen to us and those we love. We have drama and problems and worries and fears. We've all had someone not forgive us for something and held onto forgiveness when we could have easily given it. We've also kept from forgiving ourselves. Well, I'm done. If I can't forgive myself, how I can I forgive others?
I'm not going to make a list. I'm not even going to name names. I'm just going to dump all of my scars into my hands and throw them into the air. I'm forgiving myself for all the crap. I'm also forgiving those who have not apologized, those who might not even be sorry. I'm holding onto stuff I don't need to hold onto. I'm done.
You're forgiven. I'm forgiven. It's all clear now. This little clear bead is the proof.
Now forgive yourself, let go, and move on. 
  1. Hold out your hands. 
  2. Dump all your darkness into your hands. 
  3. Close your eyes. 
  4. Say "I forgive you."
  5. Toss your hands in the air.
  6. Smile. :)
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